Chuck vs Family
by Won'tLastADay
Summary: I wanted to get away and she wanted me out of the way, I guess shipping me off to visit my cousins was the best thing for both of us. And Him, it was a good thing for him as well.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi guys,_

_This is my first story and being a huge fan of the TV show Chuck, I thought __I'd try and write a fan fiction for it._

_If you have time, tell me what you think and if there are any spelling or grammar errors _

_Disclaimer: I do not down Chuck._

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Dear No One Who Loves Me,

People sometimes look at me and wonder how I got so messed up; they look at me and wonder what could have made a sweet little girl like me look at the world in such a depressive way.

They sometimes wonder if I am going to tell them.

I'm not.

Mother thought she would sent me away, I think he wanted it too, I hope he could see me falling apart; I hope that somewhere inside his head, he felt guilty.

I doubt it.

He knew the game that I was forced to live in for the better half of my life was going to be over soon, so he tried to get rid of me, the only other player, probably thought he would have won that way.

He would have won anyway.

Mom always wondered why I was so, _messed up_, I think those are the words she used.

What really happened to make me like that never crossed her mind.

She thought it was bullies, she thought that a few kids that were naïve as they were young were content with making me like the way I am.

She was wrong, only I didn't tell her this, because her idea was the best idea ever, at least it was to me.

I once saw a documentary about a psychopath you know, there was a picture, he had blank eyes and was staring at me like he owned the world, only I knew he wasn't really looking at me, just having his picture taken by the cops, but to me it felt like he was staring at a lonely eight year old girl watching a small TV way past her bed time.

That was ages ago, but the image has stayed with me, and when I looked into his eyes I would try and copy that same blank look masked within is his face.

Last week mother thought up an idea, the_ idea._

He didn't want to move, he had a nice job and good friends, he wanted to stay where he was, so mother thought she would just send me away, to people I have never meet before, strangers pretending to be family.

I said it was okay, I thought it was good idea, so I told her it would give me a chance to meet new people and maybe get a tan.

She looked at me, her face scanning mine, to see if I was lying, to see if the reason that I was acting like I was, turned out to be a little bit closer to home then she thought.

She looked away though, a small smile on her face at the thought if a house free of small children that get in the way of cooking and cleaning.

He went along with it, he had to, he wanted to.

So calls were made and a week later found me in an airplane seat, travelling at around 565 mph sitting next to a man who keeps shooting me odd looks.

Yes, I am flying on my own; nobody wanted to fly the journey which could involve me being kidnapped, killed and or tortured.

Sometimes I have to be reminded that people love me and when that time comes, I have to think, I have to wonder whether are being truthful or construing a lie carefully designed to trap me, to l force me in a cage, a cage smaller than the one I am already in.

I am going to _visit_ my cousins Chuck and Ellie, I have never meat them before, but Ellie is my mother's niece and when they were both younger, they I am told they were pretty close.

After I was born and she and he got together they lost touch, almost, at least, they still call each other once a while and send photos of there growing families to each other.

She knows what I look like; I don't know what she looks like, mom didn't show me her picture, all she said that Ellie was a doctor, married and was happy.

She didn't tell me much about Chuck either, only that I would be living with him and his roommate because there was no space anywhere else.

I didn't mind as much as I should, I guess I could lock the door.

When the plane landed, like all planes did, we were all alive, no one was hurt and no one was crying out for there lives, I would say that was a good thing, but part of me was hoping that the plane would crash land somewhere and we would all die.

It wasn't a very big part, but big enough for me to think of the aftermath of said crash.

The airport was big and I didn't know where I was going.

I stood in the middle of the exit to the gateway, luggage in hand and a fake smile on my face.

My cheeks hurt.

I felt like I wanted to cry, I didn't know why, maybe it's because I was scared, I could feel the fear creeping up inside of me, his face flashing in front of my eyes, a cocky grin shinning on his tanned face and even though he was hundreds of miles away I still wanted to turn away and run, I wanted to stop the tears that were running down my face, I wanted people to stop looking at me, wondering why a child was crying all alone in the middle of an airport.

It's was too busy, I needed to get outside and I needed to run far away.

I don't dare though, I was safer there then I am outside, people are were looking for me here, people knew my name and what I looked like, people would find me.

The smile has gone, and even though it was fake, I preferred it too the tears.

At least my checks didn't hurt anymore.

He was tall and had messy hair.

He was looking at me, worry written all over his face, followed by a blue eyed, blond woman.

"Hey," he walked up to be, I was intimidated by his height. "You're Lilly right?"

I nodded, my face going black when he reached out to put his hand on my shoulder, I moved away.

I don't like people touching me.

"Listen I'm sorry where're late, Ellie was meant to pick you up, but she was paged, something about a dying man, so she called me and I was with Sarah" he pointed to the blond women, "so we came and got you instead, by the way I'm Chuck."

He held out his hand, I wiped away my tears, pretending not to see his hand.

Sarah was looking at me now; I could feel her eyes on me and it made me feel uncomfortable.

I didn't like that feeling very much.

"Lilly, my name's Lilly."

We got into a car, I don't what type of car it was, I sat in the back and tried to answer the questions that the people in the front where asking me.

"So why did you want to visit?"-Chuck.

"Bullies."- Me.

"Didn't you have any friends?"- Sarah.

"No" – Me.

"How is Aunt Coral?" (My mother)- Chuck.

"Fine" – Me

It went on like that for a while, until the questions ran out and they both looked at each other, I looked out the window, not looking forward to meeting new people.

I just looked out of the window at the passing scenery; I even saw the sea, for the first time in my life.

It was, fun.

It took several hours to get from LAX to Burbank, California.

When we arrived to his home, I realized it wasn't as much as a house than an apartment complex based around a circular courtyard with a water fountain in the middle.

There were already several other cars stationed outside the apartments. Apparently, all of them were taken.

Wonderful, more people looking and wondering.

A woman in scrubs and a tall man stood out side one of the building, they had smiles on there face, and I wondered whether I should put back on my fake smile.

I didn't.

She tried you hug me; I didn't want to seem rude so I let her, a carefully masked face to hide the fear that was coming back.

"I'm so glad to meet you, Lilly! I remember the last time I saw you, you were just a little toddler, sorry about not being able to pick you up from the airport, I was called in."

The man wasn't listening; she hit him on the arm.

Not very hard, I don't think.

"Oh!" he started, then held out his hand, which was kind of big. "I'm Devon. But most people call me Captain Awesome."

I nodded.

A man looked out the window; he was cleaning a large gun.

A body stood in the way and I look up to see Sarah looking at me again, wide eyed.

"Don't mind Casey, he likes his guns." Sarah told me in a quite voice as Ellie had started talked to her brother about the journey from the airport to here.

"Well!" Chuck said loudly, interrupting the pleasant conversation. "Lilly must be getting tried; she has had a long trip so I will just go show her, her room."

Before we entered the house, Ellie called, "Hey, how about we have dinner together tonight?"

I was reluctant, but Chuck didn't notice, why would he?

"Sure! That'd be great!"

Don't worry, I write again later.

Love Lilly.

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_So do you like it?_

_Review and tell me what you think!_

_Thank you for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Wow guys, thanks to all the people who reviewed it made me really happy._

_This is set in season three of Chuck two days after the events of Chuck vs The Mask._

_At the end of the episode, for those who forget, Morgan and Ellie see Chuck kissing Hannah._

_Morgan who had a crush on Hannah was crushed._

_Disclaimer: I do now own Chuck!_

_I really hope you like the chapter I worked really hard on it._

_Please point out any spelling or grammar erreors_

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Dear No One Who Loves Me,

If the plane would have crashed, we wouldn't have died straight away, no that would have been to easy.

We would have suffered, died as we lived, in pain.

The food would have run out first of course, and our bodies would eat away at the fat cells stored within us.

The water would be next and let's just say all would have gone to hell.

I don't know what living here in Burbank will be like; I'm meant to be staying with Devon and Ellie, but there wasn't enough room, that or I wasn't wanted there.

Instead I'm staying with Ellie's brother Chuck and his roommate Morgan.

I know I'm not wanted here; but it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

My room's not too bad, what with the painted blue walls, a battered chest of drawers and a single bed pushed up against the far wall, it's simple, I like it.

"So here's your room, your mom said you like the colour blue, Sarah picked out the shade and helped me paint it." Chuck was being great about it all, acting like he wanted me, "anyway, dinner will be ready in two hours, and Morgan's cooking so you're in for a real treat."

He's smiling a huge happy smile now, thinking about his best friends cooking.

Morgan's nice I guess.

He asked me a lot of questions, seemingly undeterred by my less then enthusiastic answers.

I not really used to it; my mom had only asked me questions about school before.

My mom never bothered the school about the bullies, you know kids these days always at each other's throats, wasn't worth the fight, instead each day when I got home, she would ask me a single question and I would give a single answer.

"How was school sweetheart, was it bad today?" she voice always sound tired, I don't know why.

"Yes mom, I had a good day." I like to think my voice was emotionless, but I can't to be sure because sometimes she got this really odd look on her face and opened her mouth like she wanted to say something really important, only she could think of the right words to say, so her mouth would close and she would go back to smiling.

I like to think this eased her guilt about something she knew nothing about.

School wasn't as bad as she choose to believe, I didn't get bullied, instead, my fellow students choose to leave me alone, only saying rude words when the school semester was about end and the guilt over them would be long forgotten.

They excluded me thinking they were clever for it; I found that rather funny at times.

I don't find very much funny.

Chuck and Morgan having a Star wars quoting battle have I admitted to never having seen the movies, I guess a little part of me found that funny.

_"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?"_

_"When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not."_

Sarah left after a while, a small smile on her face at Chuck and Morgan's banter.

I wanted to ask her about the man next door and his guns but I didn't.

She seemed too happy and I didn't want to turn into a rain cloud and hang over her head until she yelled at me to leave and never come back.

After a while and a disagreement about the best quote from another movie I'd never heard of, I found myself faking a smile again, only this time my cheeks didn't hurt as much.

Almost like a real smile, only I don't do real smiles, because real smiles mean you feel somewhat happy.

I don't feel happiness.

When I fake a yawn to get away, Chuck shows me my room and told me where the toilet was.

I lay down on the bed, noticing that the sheets don't match the rest of the room.

They're yellow.

Maybe my mom told also told Chuck that my other favourite colour was yellow.

Just so you know, my favourite colour is black, not because I'm a Goth, but because there is no light, no colour, to be found in black.

I'm meant to be sleeping now, only I'm not really as tired as I need to be to be able to sleep.

Instead I'm looking up at the ceiling, it's white and smooth, not like the ceiling back in DC, they're bumpy and a greyish colour.

I roll over so it's all dark and burry my head in the harsh yellow pillow.

This was a bad idea, I know I said over and over again about how the idea was the best idea ever but it's not.

It's going to turn our wrong, I know it.

Everything I've ever done has turned out wrong.

I used to think I had a sort of sixth sense for bad stuff coming my way but it stopped working when I turned nine, that or I stopped noticing it.

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes.

I bite my arm in a futile attempt to stop them falling, I don't know where they've come from. But they're here now and I want them to stop.

They don't.

So I bite harder to stop any sound that might emerge from my throat, the tears still come but no one comes rushing in too see what's wrong like always they do on TV so my guess would be that either no one cares or no one heard.

Maybe both.

Probably both.

I've been thinking too much, that's it, I learned a long time ago not to think about what happens, just to go though the motions and give the answers people want to the questions they ask.

I bite down harder and harder until I feel the pale skin break and taste the familiar coopery taste of my blood.

I stop biting my arm and try to sallow the blood but the taste stays and I can feel a strange form of panic rise within my stomach.

What if someone see the bite mark?

No, calm down Lilly, you always wear long sleeves just encase and if someone does spot the mark, lie, you're a great lair.

At least the tears have finally stopped.

I still have to stay in the room for a while though, with nothing to do but more thinking and writing, writing is safe, thinking is not, yet I still find my mind wondering back.

When the water ran out, the leaders of out little group would go looking for more, but find nothing.

If there was water, we wouldn't be able to find it.

I imagine I would be the only one who wanted to die, the only one who accepted that we were all going to die on the beaches of an unknown island.

The others would look for hope anywhere they could see it.

A bird flying over head? Must be a place coming.

I would that find that amusing.

I don't think I would be the first to die, no that title would go to the person who tried to be smart by drinking sea water, the one who, in desperation, tried to solve all our problems.

I know I wouldn't be that last, not enough strength too carry on living when there is nothing to live for.

No I would be somewhere in the middle, the last thing I would see was a raging sea with huge waves crashing onto a small sandy white beach with the ruins of hand made camps folding under the weight.

I wouldn't look at the small crosses which each bore a different name delicately carved on the wood.

I wouldn't think of my mother or him only the sea.

My hair would become thin and greasy, no looking blonde anymore just a dull brown, and my brown eyes would become duller then they already were, a feat I wouldn't have thought possible.

The others, or what was left of them, would morn but only because they knew that they would be next to die.

I don't know if I would have been buried and honestly I don't really care.

If I had to pick a way to die, and trust me I've thought about it a lot, it wouldn't like that.

I made a list a while ago on the back of an old cereal box.

Granted it was up there, dying far away from him, whether on a desert island or in a different state and city, but it wasn't top.

No, top of the list was to have never been born, to die before I had the chance to feel the pain, but I know what would be impossible.

If I'd never have lived, I'd never had died and I wouldn't have made the list, and I wouldn't have hoped for the death of over a hundred people.

I wonder if that makes me a bad person.

I don't care, I already a bad person, maybe it would make me a monster.

Unless I'm already a monster.

_Knock, knock._

"Lilly, wake up, dinners ready, Ellie and Awesome are already here and Sarah is on her way"

Dinner was good, nice even.

The plates where a deep purple colour, with a ring of light blue tracing edges and they were pilled full with fanciest looking food I've ever seen.

The guests round the table where all acting like a proper family, I found weird never having been this close to one before.

Sure we had had Sunday dinners before, but there was always silence, no one daring to make eye contact, just seeming to eat the meal (that was usually make up of dry turkey and thin gravy) and nothing else.

I used to hate these days with a passion, mom spent all day in the kitchen listening to classical music even though she didn't have to, and if I didn't have any homework I was forced to play games with him.

Sometimes we used to play hangman and I would imagine I was the little man slowly but surely standing up on the stand and taking the rough rope around my neck until…

_Is there an H in the word by any chance?_

_Nope, sorry, time for you to die._

It would have been an eleven letter word, and as the plank of would dropped below my feet I would have laughed and laughed.

Ellie acted like every joke chuck told was hysterical but Sarah just rolled her eyes like she had heard it all before.

Morgan smiles round the table, his teeth showing though his beard, I guess he was happy that his family was gathered all around the table, eating his food and being happy.

I think he might have forgotten I was there.

I don't blame him, the teachers at school forget me all the time.

"So Lilly how was your nap? You must have had a busy few days getting packed and every thing." Ellie's voice was soft and if all eyes hadn't turned to me the moment she spoke, I wouldn't have heard her.

"I guess, I mean it was really hard saying goodbye to him and my mom." I tried really hard to make my voice sound anything but flat to ears listening to it.

"Him?" Sarah looked worried again, it was hard to tell but I had seen that look one my mom's face before, mostly masked by her happiness that I was keeping to my end of the deal that made her ask the single question and listen to the single answer, but it was there now, on Sarah's face masked by curiosity.

I hope no one else saw the worry.

"My father, we don't really get along, I think he's just tried of me disagreeing with him about everything." This time I tried to make my voice sound flat, but it just sounded scared.

Chuck was starting worriedly at Sarah now, his eyes darting between us.

"Oh! I meet him at your mothers wedding, he seemed really nice, but if it makes you feel any better my friend Lucy didn't along with her dad for what seemed like ages with the way she was going on about it, but they made up and they're fine now, I'm sure you'll grow out of it.

"Just imagine how much he's missing you right now!"

Sad thing was I could.

"I guess so, thanks anyway for making me feel better"

Flat voice, cheek, remember how I said I was a good lair, well I wasn't lying.

I fake a reassured smile, which made my cheeks start hurting again, finally something good happens.

I think.

The tension was mounting and Sarah's face was a blank mask.

_Knock, knock,_

_Who's there?_

_Me,_

_Me who?_

_No se__riously it's just me I'm telling a knock, knock joke._

And just like that the tension was broken with Morgan telling the knock, knock joke accompanied with Chuck laughing too loudly, which made Ellie laugh which in turn made Devon laugh and Sarah smile a small smile.

Like a chain reason, almost all it needed now was for my laugh to join in.

Instead I looked down at my chewed up nails and wondered if I should pain them black, to match my pair of high top Converse I got a while back for Christmas, they're a size too small and sometimes make my feet hurt if I wear them for too long but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I waited until the laugher had stopped and the tell tale sound that the conversation had moved on and the group had started eating again until I looked up from my hands and dared to glance around the table.

"So Chuck heard from Hannah recently?" Morgan's voice sounded happy, but there was an edge to it.

After a weird look passes between the two Chuck answers "Well, like you I saw her at work yesterday talking with Lester about his band, but no I haven't talked to her since. Why?"

"No reason." He sounds like a happy chipmunk and if I close my eyes and let him carry on talking in that stupid happy voice I would forget he was a real human being and not a woodland creature.

"This food is great Morgan" Ellie was giving Morgan a warning look "I hope you didn't go to too much trouble making it." She elbows Devon.

"Oh, yea," he managed to say while he mouth was full of the chicken.

I wonder who Hannah was, maybe I should ask.

No point, I doubt they would listen.

The dinner ended soon afterwards, with smiles and laughs.

I sad back and watched it all, remembering the hangman games.

Ellie tried to hug me again; Sarah smiled and wished me a good night.

I lay in bed now, finally tried enough to sleep.

I'll write again soon.

Love Lilly.

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_Please Read and review or just add the story to your alert list!_

_it would make my day!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey guys,_

_This chapter is a bit darker then I would have like it too be, but I haven't haven't really had a good week and I really wanted to get this chapter out._

_Thank you too everyone who reviewed and add the story to their alert list, it made me smile.  
_

_Some of you were wonder why Sarah was present at the dinner and I would like to say that the reason is simply paranoia, a strange child coming from a participially estranged family member could mean trap for Chuck._

_I'm basing this of the fact that Government can be a bit paranoid, especially against The ring._

Disclaimer: I do not own Chuck!

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Dear No One Who Loves Me,

It wasn't a happy dream, no, I haven't had a happy dream in a long time, but it was a dream that stirred up some long forgotten feeling deep inside of me.

Something worst then fear, because I can deal with the fear that seemingly follows me everywhere, even into my dreams, but that feeling, I couldn't deal with that.

It was the feeling of being content, of not wanting anything at all to change.

Books where pilled high around me, some so new that when you looked at the first page it was almost a blinding white, a colour marred only by the little black words carefully printed upon the paper, a colour that cried out it's history of being the first book on the shelf to get pick up, no one having a little peak at the ending here, nope that would be cheating and this book doesn't _do _cheating, that's why it was the first, that's why it _had_ to be the first.

Some where as old as me, some older, their long forgotten pages were a yellow colour that you almost never see, the words had faded into the pages and if you wanted to read the contents you have to look closely, making sure you missed nothing,

Simply put, they were broken, with dog eared pages, and missing numbers, sometimes whole chapters where gone and you were forced to let you imagination fill in the blanks while hoping to god that you got it right.

I was sat in a black arm chair with puffy pillows that made me sit tall and proud, with a nice view of the chalk white cliffs that I had found myself on.

Maybe I was in Dover.

Only the sea was a just pleasant background noise as I sat and looked at the books around me, wondering where to possibly start.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum, a large hardback with cresses in the leather bound spine?

_Ding-dong the witch is dead / which old witch? / The wicked witch._

Or maybe be a newer book, does The Northern Lights by Phillip Pullman sound good? With the shinny cover and a single page at the back with the corner turned down.

_A new life in a different world, a world where you will never be alone, because humans where never meant to be alone._

No, pick that one, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett, a place where the best kind of magic happens, the kind that can happen in real life.

_The kind of magic that could happen in real life, like learning to walk, learning to love and maybe, just maybe, learning to forget._

So as the wind whispered in my ear and the sea raged on below me, as I leafed though the paperback book, a book that looked older then me.

I started reading from the beginning, emerging myself in the story of Mary Lennox.

I wasn't thinking about anything other then the words on the page.

The story was coming alive around me, and I could see Mary Lennox with her sour face and pasty fingers digging in the dirt as a robin sung happily hopping from one tall ivy covered wall to another.

Suddenly I was in the garden, looking up at the trees and smelling the white roses that were in full bloom around me.

Bees were buzzing, lazily flying from one bright flower to another.

It would a while yet before anyone else saw the beauty that surrounded me, so I forgot about the wind and the sea, I forgot about the black chair that made me sit proud as if I had every too and just watched that blue sky as clouds slowly raced each other across the horizon.

The grass was the softest grass in the world, it was like lying on a bed of green marshmallows, and if I wasn't already dreaming I would've just closed my eyes and let the birds sing me too a usually blissful sleep.

The red robin was flying above me and I watched him fly back and forth, he was free, able to go where ever he wanted, yet he choose to stay each in an almost forgotten garden.

Why? When he could brave the shores of Africa and see near extinct creature live as they were meant to, or simply fly and fly until there were no one but himself and his beautiful song, that's what I'd do, just leave until it was only me.

I guess he was just a bird though, might not have thought it though as much as he should have.

I could hear a child skipping now and over and over again she would start, trip and fall, grazing her knees and leaving darks spotting on the matching stones where the blood had fallen.

They would be coming soon, but I didn't mind, our worlds didn't touch, only look, and even then they wouldn't be able to see me, simply because it was a shinny one way mirror that only I was one the right side of, free to look and laugh, only I never laugh.

I wanted to smile at the wonder happening before my eyes when that content feeling started making its self known, filling me up like a cup of Hot Chocolate on a cold winter's night.

It reminded me of the time ages and ages ago, when it was snowing really hard so that when you looked out of the window all you could see was little bits of white falling from a grey sky.

That morning the radio said those magic words.

"_Schools closed include Park-Way Elementary…"_

I sent most of the day outside, until my hands where a bright red colour and so numbthat they started to hurt when the heat first hit them.

I wasn't doing much outside, just sitting on a bench and watching the world turn white around me, temporally destroying the traces that it was inhabited, helping me believe that I was all alone in the world.

The kitchen was warm from the living room fire that had been left on all day, so it didn't take long to get out everything I needed for the hot chocolate.

Night was beginning to fall by the time I was done; my mug was made tall by whipped cream and chopped up cherries.

It filled my insides and burnt my throat but I didn't care, I far past caring about something as trivial as that.

That what it reminded me of, the feeling welling up inside of me.

I may have welcomed it then but a lot has changed since then.

I could still hear the bees and the birds, but it wasn't the same.

Fear was overwhelming me and in my dream world I couldn't understand why, all I knew was that what was on the pages were true, there was no him, there was no dark nights and cold hands only a one way mirror that only I could see.

If would have been perfect, if not for the fear.

I want to laugh now looking back at the dream, a cold laugh that would chill your heart and make you wonder all over again if I really am a little girl and just some really small adult with a hard past and an even harder future.

I never though I would be that naïve, I pride myself on looking at the world as it is, bitter and cold, but there, in the dream, I wasn't, I was looking at the world like it was all candy and rainbows, with a unicorn here and there to add to the fun.

I can't remember how I woke up, if I was by the coast again listening to the fierce wave crash against the chalk white cliffs or if I feel asleep in that world on the marshmallow grass and woke up in this one, all I know is that the blue walls mock me in the night time and the bright yellow sheets hurt my eyes.

My mouth was dry and I felt sick because the fear was still there, eating away at me from the inside out, only now I knew why and that, somehow, made it worse.

The cold hits me like a ton of bricks as I stand up and climb out of my warm nest of blankets, in search of the bathroom, which I had been told was two doors down the hall.

The hall was dark but without the light on the bathroom was darker

I wanted too look in the mirror and see myself, with the too big eyes and lanky blonde too look with the perfect mask in place, a mask that stopped the emotion that is threatening to over whelm me.

All I saw was me, only my eyes weren't too big, they were squinting in the harsh light and my hair was too long, hanging down past my shoulders making my face look paler then it is.

I wanted to get it cut a few weeks ago, mom even made me an appointment with the local hairdresser then cuts and colours her hair, I was all set to go, until they started looking at me, and only me.

Telling me how sad I look, telling that a new hair cut could change everything, maybe it could stop the bullies.

I guess mom had told them, she was always chatty when it mattered; she liked being looked at, telling people all about herself and, me, I guess.

I wasn't planning on running away like that, it was childish and stupid and I hated myself even more for doing it, but when she turned around to get some scissors or maybe a comb, I stood up and ran.

The door was heavy and made a strange noise when I heaved it open.

That was one of few time I wished there were more people, more people so that I could blend, so they weren't looking at me anymore then they could, as it was I ran down an empty street too an empty playground and sat on a single swing, and in the pale light of the setting sun I leaned back and started to swing.

I pumped my legs and went higher and higher until I could feel the chain go lose when I was at the very top and gravity become heavy on the way down.

I wanted to push myself off, when I realised I was at the highest point that this swing could take me; so that I would be able fly really high, and then when I fell I wouldn't remember a thing, because there would be nothing to remember but the blackness that surrounded me.

Number six; that was number six on the list.

Now I wished I'd have stayed and just put up with the nonsense chatter, just so my hair wasn't so long.

Maybe I should cut it myself; I mean all it would take was a pair of scissors and a mirror and I've already got a mirror.

No one would even notice I'm sure of it.

Some scissors are right there, shinning in the light, it wouldn't and it wouldn't be very hard.

I would look ugly; I always looked ugly with short hair.

He wouldn't want me if I were ugly.

My insides would match my outside.

_Come on, come on, come on, just do it only don't stop at your hair, a scar running down the left side of your face would work, and imagine the blood, oh imagine it flowing like a river coming out your face, never stopping until there is no more blood left, would that make you happy? I bet it would._

The devil spoke within me and my face finally went blank, I didn't want another scar, but I still wanted to be ugly.

The finger holes are too big but the blade is perfect and went I make the first uneven cut they don't even pause.

It makes me feel powerful, so I focus and move to the back of my head.

I know I've cut it too short when I feel the pain on the back of my neck.

No blood though, none at all.

The side won't match but I don't care as I cut on side shorter then other as I small smile graces my face; it's a crazy smile though.

I look in the mirror and feel something akin to relief because, finally, _finally_ I look as ugly as I feel.

I'll write again soon,

Love Lilly.

* * *

People Review, it would make my day!


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